I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
