# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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