my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
