im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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