I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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