Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize