I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
