He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just cropdusted the office
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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