Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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