oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
