I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
