I hate your face
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
