I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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