I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
