i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Church boner. Awkwardddd
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
