I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
