Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
