Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize