can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
