So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
