That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
