i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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