sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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