Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
