New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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