How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
