sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
