I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
