So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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