Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
