i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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