totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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