forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You're like the curious george of whores
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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