So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
