I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
