What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
