So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
