Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize