Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
