well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
