Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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