I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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