how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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