life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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