Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
