I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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