Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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