i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
