I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
