I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm getting married
To pizza
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
