Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
