Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
