So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
