Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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