Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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