I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
