if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
